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A Piece of the Action

I'm beginning to write the second and a half draft of "Fate's Apology", and this requires me to do a lot of something I often have trouble with: writing action scenes. The story opens with a bang, and for the most part, doesn't settle down much until after the first few chapters. There's physical struggling and there's fleeing and chasing on foot, craft and beast, as well as detailed manipulation of objects. Lots going on to hook the reader into investing some time to see how it turns out. Nothing wrong with that, eh?
Super Bwoing to the rescue!My problem is this: no matter how vividly I can see it all in my mind, once I begin to translate those visions into words the scene becomes a clunky caricature of what I experienced in my imagination. I've read all the advice on how to do this correctly, mainly to shorten everything - paragraphs, sentences, even words - in order to make things feel more energetic, exciting and immediate. But when I do that, I find that the writing comes across as juvenile. A 'see Spot run' sort of vernacular takes over, and rather than making my heart race, it makes me cringe at how silly everything sounds.
So, I try to strike a balance, with detailed, explanatory sentences woven around shorter statements. And I edit. A lot. Almost as much as love scenes (oy, there's a whole nother blog post about a very particular kind of action scene). Anyway, I think my strategy works. Here's a slice of a scene I just finished.

            They flattened themselves against either side of the alcove just as the loading door scraped open. A shadow loomed, then a curse broke the silence. The empty cages had been discovered. "Torek," Nala mouthed silently to Rey. She heard the sound of a gun being drawn, and a jolt of adrenaline coursed through her as Torek approached them, his beefy body blocking the light. She tapped her elbow against the wall and he entered, turning in her direction.
            Nala sprang at him, whipping the chain across his face. He fell back, stunned, and Rey swiftly brought the belt down around his neck. Torek reached for his throat as Nala kicked his gun-hand, sending the weapon clattering across the floor. She pounced on it and rushed to the loading door. Seeing no evidence of Jainder or Zarkis in the vicinity, she made ready to flee, then hesitated as Rey's yelp of pain rose above the noise of the scuffle.


 Of course, you're jumping into the middle of an already-in-progress scene with already-introduced characters, but does this work? Is it too wordy? Not wordy enough? How does one write intense action scenes involving multiple characters without either losing the reader or sounding like the authors of Fun with Dick and Jane? Writers, do you also struggle to find that middle ground? I'd love to know your thoughts on the matter!